How to have a safe yarn about mental health

A practical guide to conversations that reduce stigma and help people get support early

More than two in five Australians will experience a mental disorder in their lifetime (ABS, 2020 to 2022). That means someone you know is carrying something right now. A mate. A family member. A workmate. And one of the biggest reasons people don't get help early is stigma. The fear of being judged, dismissed or treated differently if they speak up.

A good yarn changes that. When someone can talk about what's going on and is met with respect rather than judgment, two things happen. Stigma shrinks, and help arrives earlier. Before distress has time to deepen into depression or anxiety. Before an existing illness gets worse. That's prevention, and anyone can do it. No training required. Just this.

The short version:

Pick a good moment, ask twice, and listen more than you talk. Don't try to fix, diagnose or minimise. Being heard is the help. If you're worried about suicide, it's safe to ask directly. In fact, it's safer than staying silent. And your job isn't to be their counsellor. It's to be their bridge to support.

Before you start

Pick your moment. Somewhere private and unhurried. Side by side often works better than face-to-face. In the car, on a walk, over a cuppa, out fishing. No pressure.

Check your own tank. You don't need to be an expert, but you do need to be able to listen without rushing. If today's not that day for you, that's okay. Pick another.

Drop the agenda. You're not there to fix them. You're there to hear them.

Opening the yarn

Simple beats clever. Try these.

"You haven't seemed yourself lately. How are you really going?"

"I've been thinking about you. What's been going on?"

"No pressure. But if you ever want to yarn about anything, I'm here."

If they say "I'm fine," give it a beat and gently go again. "Fair enough. But honestly, how are you actually going?" The second ask is where the real answer usually lives. If they're still not ready, don't push. You've opened a door. Leave it open. "Anytime you want to talk, I mean it" is a win, not a failure.

Listening well

Ask open questions. "What's that been like?" "How long has it felt this way?" "What's the hardest part?"

Let silence sit. People need room to find words for hard things. Don't rush to fill the gaps.

Reflect, don't redirect. "That sounds really heavy" goes a long way. It tells them they've been heard.

Believe them. You don't need to verify or judge their experience. Their feelings are the facts of the conversation.

Words that help and words that hurt

Helps:

"Thanks for telling me. That took guts." "You're not weak for feeling this. It makes sense." "I'm not going anywhere. We'll sort this out together." Saying someone is "living with depression" or "going through anxiety." Saying someone "died by suicide."

Hurts, even with good intentions:

"Snap out of it." "Toughen up." "Others have it worse." "Have you tried just exercising? Thinking positively?" Diagnosing them. "Sounds like you're bipolar or something." Calling someone "crazy," "psycho", or "attention seeking." Saying someone "committed suicide." It frames a health tragedy as a crime.

Language is one of the ways stigma lives or dies. Small changes in how we all talk make it easier for the next person to speak up.

If they tell you they're not okay

Stay in it. Keep listening. Don't panic, don't change the subject, don't leap to solutions.

Ask what support looks like. "What would help right now?" Sometimes it's practical. Sometimes it's just company.

Point to the bridge. Suggest their GP (a mental health treatment plan makes sessions cheaper or free), or a free service like Beyond Blue (1300 22 4636) or 13YARN (13 92 76). Offer to sit with them while they call or help book the appointment.

Don't promise secrecy you can't keep. "I'll keep this between us unless I'm worried about your safety. Then I'll help you get support." That's honest, and it's protective.

Follow up. A message a few days later, something like "been thinking about you, how'd you go?", shows they cared. Prevention isn't one conversation. It's the follow-up.

If you're worried about suicide

This is the part that scares people most, so hold onto this. Asking someone directly about suicide does not put the idea in their head. The research details that being asked openly and calmly gives people relief and permission to talk. Silence is the dangerous option, not the question.

Ask plainly and without judgment.

"Are you having thoughts of suicide?"

"Are you thinking about ending your life?"

If they say yes:

Stay calm and stay with them. Thank them for trusting you. Don't express shock and don't argue.

Take it seriously, every time. Never treat it as attention-seeking.

If you believe they're in immediate danger, call 000 and don't leave them alone.

If it's not immediate, connect them now. Call Lifeline (13 11 14) or 13YARN (13 92 76) together, or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467), or get them to their GP. Together is the key word. Dial the number with them, not for them to do later.

Loop in support. Help them work out who else can be around them. Family, community, and their doctor. Nobody should carry this with just one other person. Including you.

Yarning safely across cultures

Follow their lead. Different people, families and cultures talk about distress differently. Listen for their words and use them.

Respect the pace. In many communities, including many Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander communities, trust and relationship come before disclosure. The yarn may take time. Side by side, on Country, or over an activity can feel safer than a sit-down talk.

Don't demand the story. Nobody is obliged to relive their experiences, including experiences of racism or trauma, to receive your care.

Know the culturally safe doors. 13YARN (13 92 76) offers 24/7 support from Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander Crisis Supporters, and local Aboriginal Community Controlled Health Organisations provide culturally safe care.

After the yarn, look after yourself too

Holding space for someone is real work. Debrief with someone you trust without breaking the person's confidence. Talk about how you're feeling, not the details of their story. If the conversation stirred things up for you, the services below are yours too. You can't pour from an empty cup, and using support yourself is exactly what makes it normal for everyone else.

What a yarn is and isn't

You are not their counsellor, and you don't have to have answers. If the person you care about ends the conversation feeling heard and knowing where the support is, that's a complete success. Being the bridge is the whole job.

Support services. Free, confidential, Australia wide.

Lifeline: 13 11 14 (24/7) 13YARN: 13 92 76 (24/7, Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander crisis support) Suicide Call Back Service: 1300 659 467 Beyond Blue: 1300 22 4636 Kids Helpline: 1800 55 1800 (ages 5 to 25) MensLine Australia: 1300 78 99 78 Your GP: ask about a mental health treatment plan. In an emergency, call 000

Sources: Australian Bureau of Statistics, National Study of Mental Health and Wellbeing 2020 to 2022; Mindframe (Everymind) safe communication guidelines on suicide and mental ill health. This resource follows Mindframe safe messaging guidelines.

This resource is general preventative education. It is not medical, psychological or crisis advice, and it is not a substitute for professional support. Let's Yarn Foundation is not a crisis or clinical service. If this page raises anything for you, please reach out to one of the services above.

Let's Yarn Foundation · ABN 75 506 956 746